Dating
by ElvenMuggle
Summary: Dating. It could be fun. It could be to your advantage. Sometimes it could lead to marriage and babies and all that other good stuff. But to Kurt Wagner, dating meant something entirely different. Oneshot.


A/N: Just a pointless little one-shot here :)

* * *

Dating. It could be fun. It could be to your advantage. Sometimes it could lead to marriage and babies and all that good crap. But to Kurt Wagner, dating meant something entirely different. It meant clammy palms and nervous breakdowns, a constantly churning stomach, and the girl of his dreams looking at him like Mr. McCoy had looked at him that time when Kurt had told him that he thought poetry was a bunch of gibberish. In other words, like he was insane.

Because it didn't matter that Kitty and Kurt had already exchanged 'I love you' and had kissed several times. It mattered that they hadn't been on a date and for three weeks he had been thinking of her as his girlfriend. Yes. His girlfriend. Kitty was his girlfriend. Even though they hadn't kissed in a few weeks and had held hands once. He really wanted to be with Kitty; he wanted her more than anything else. That was why he had asked her out. And she had said, "Ok, but like, let's wait till' after the holidays."

So they had waited until after the holidays. A week later, he had asked her out a second time.

"Ok," she had said, "But like, let's wait to make plans until after this mission is over." How unfair. All they had been doing was saving the world at the time. She could have at _least_ given him an exact date before she had run off to go stop that bomb. But she hadn't. Which was why he had been forced to ask her third time to which she had replied—

"Ok, but like, let's—OOO! Look, Kurt! It's a wittle bitty kitty cat!"

That stupid cat had decided to stay at the X-mansion after that. And she hadn't given him an answer so he had to ask her a fourth time.

"Kitty!" He had yelled through the bathroom door. "Would you like to go on a date with me?"

The door opened and Professor X rolled out.

"Why hello, Kurt." He said fondly. "I'm not Kitty but I could ask her if she would like to go out with you, if you'd like…"

Kurt failed to see how that could possibly help him. "Oh dear _god_, please no." It was already embarrassing enough that he couldn't get his girlfriend on a date with him. Having his professor get dates for him would be more lame than…well, there wasn't really anything more lame than that.

So he had asked her a fifth time.

"Would you like to go out with me?"

"Kught," Kitty had said through a stuffed up nose. "Uh'm sick. Uh can't even tahlk right. And Uh know Uh muhst look awful…"

Kitty had been sitting up in bed, her eyes red, her nose dripping fluids, her hair in complete disarray. She looked terrible, but it was a good thing that he was an excellent liar.

"No!" He had insisted without wincing. "You look beautiful, you always look-"

**BUUURRRR**.

Was the sound Kitty made as she loudly blew her nose into a tissue.

"-phenomenal." He finished, still without wincing.

"No. Not right now…" and then she had promptly passed out on her pillow.

After asking her out a trillion times, it was no surprise that he didn't want to have to do it again, just to get turned down once more. So he had decided to wait for her to come to him. It was her turn after all. He had done the asking the first trillion times. Hopefully, she could manage it just once.

With that thought in mind, he had waited. And waited. And waited. And then waited some more. At the end of the week, Kitty wasn't sick anymore, and Kurt was still waiting, all the while slowly losing his mind. Did Kitty even _want_ to go out with him? She had told him to his face that she was in love with him, but did she want to date him? What if she didn't? What if he had annoyed her so badly by asking her out so many times, that she had fallen out of love with him?

These thoughts plagued his mind. Finally he understood how Gollum had felt when he had been so consumed by the ring that it had driven him crazy. Because right now, Kitty was the one ring, Kurt was Gollum, and his sanity was definitely leaving him.

Then, one day, he had been sitting in his room, bored as a hooker on Sesame Street, when Kitty had walked in and said those magic words.

"So, like, do you still want that date?"

And just like that it was all set. They were going to go out. On a date. Together. Alone. Tonight. He was going on a date tonight alone with the girl he had been in love with for years.

That's when the panic set in.

Kurt had only had one other girlfriend. That had been Amanda. She had some kind of weird fetish for his blue fur which honestly, still freaked him out. But she had practically worshiped him. Going out with her had been a breeze because it didn't take much to make her happy. All he had to do was turn off the image inducer and she was all over him. For lack of a better word, Amanda had been easy.

And creepy.

This was why he had dumped her…and changed his number when she wouldn't stop calling him…and gotten a restraining order when she kept sending him pictures of himself during times when he had been SURE he had been alone.

But he had to push away thoughts of his psycho ex girlfriend since that only served to scare him more. Right now he had to think of how he was supposed to impress Kitty and make her want to continue to date him. Because if this one date went badly, then the world would most certainly end. All he had to do was think of this date as another mission. It had to be done to the best of his ability, and he had to be strong and brave. Right. Easier said than done.

If this was another mission, before he did anything else, first he had to gather intelligence. Asking the rest of the guys in the house for advice seemed like a good idea at the time. At. The. Time. Meaning afterwards he was sorry he had ever decided to do such a stupid thing. First he went to Scott.

"Excellent question." Scott nodded in approval when Kurt asked him for advice. "Girls like a man who has it all together. Plan the date beforehand; it lets her know that you've been thinking about her and care about her enough to go to the trouble of arranging things."

That had been some good advice. But then he had gone to Bobby.

"Girls like a funny man." He told him confidently. "Just don't make any bathroom jokes; they don't seem to like that. But anyway, the way I figure is if they laugh at your joke, then they think you're hot, and if they think you're hot, then they'll want to make out with you. And if they want to make with you, then they'll want to-"

"Whoa, ok! Thanks, Bobby."

"I'm not done yet." Bobby clapped a hand on his shoulder at this point and looked at him seriously. "If a girl laughs at your joke, just grab her and lay one on her."

Kurt felt for certain that Kitty would take exception to this but he didn't argue.

"They like it. Trust me."

"Bobby…Has a girl actually told you that she likes this?"

Bobby then proceeded to stare off into space, a worried look on his face. "Hey, you know what? I've never actually tried it for myself. But I read in this book-"

"What kind of book?"

"Oh." A light blush came to the ice maker's cheeks. "Yeah, ok, forget everything I just told you."

That had been extremely unhelpful. After Bobby he had asked Piotr, who found it necessary to dive into a long, depressing story.

"My first date was with a lovely young woman named Helga." He had said in his thick, Russian accent. "She was a very large woman." He smiled in remembrance. "Very large. Just my size. But then-" The big man's lip started to tremble, "things went wrong. She—she broke my heart!" And to Kurt's horror, Piotr had busted into tears and collapsed into a nearby chair.

Kurt had quietly backed out of the room.

After that he had approached Mr. McCoy.

"Ah, yes." Hank had nodded and smiled. "Shakespeare once said-"

One of Kurt's hands hit his forehead as he groaned.

"-This bud of love by summer's ripening breath, May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."

Kurt stared, his mouth agape. "Huh?"

"And he also said: Oh, how this spring of love resembleth, The uncertain glory of an April day, Which now shows all beauty of the Sun, And by and by a cloud takes all away—Kurt? Where are you going? I'm not done!"

That was what Kurt had been afraid of. He ran away from Hank and approached Wolverine, which proved to be a wholly unbeneficial experience.

"Mr. Logan, can you give me any advice on dating?"

"No." He grunted. "Leave me alone."

Then Kurt had gone to Gambit, who was currently dating Rogue.

"With most dames ya' need to know a few things. Yes means no and stop means keep going." He smirked at Kurt's horrified look. "Now don't look at Remy like that, he don't mean nothin' sexual by it. But if she tells ya' to stop flirtin' with her…don't. If she tells ya' to stop treatin' her like a lady…well," he smirk grew wider. "That's when you should stop."

"What? That sounds stupid."

"It worked on your sister."

"Ah!" Kurt's hands slapped to his ears. "Don't talk about my sister!"

Remy gripped Kurt's wrists and pulled them away from his ears. "Look, all Remy's tellin' ya' is that all men are after one thing, right? Luckily for us, the dames are after the same thing, except they don't like to say so."

"This is not helping."

"Be aggressive."

"No!"

"Fine."

"No!"

"I said fine, mon ami. Maybe Remy's wrong; maybe the Kitty cat likes her men soft and gentle." Kurt had glared at him before leaving.

Not surprisingly, Professor X had given him completely opposite advice.

"Treat her like the lady she is at all times. Remember Kurt," he said seriously, "you're an X-men. You have a reputation to uphold. Remember all of the lessons you have been taught here and you should be ok…"

But Kurt didn't feel ok. He felt like he had wasted a whole day gathering useless information. Now his head was full of all these pointless tips and the image of Piotr with tears running down his cheeks. Not to mention the additional image of Gambit being aggressive with his sister.

No! He would not allow this unfortunate chain of events to deter him from his true mission: Make Kitty fall head over heels for him with a truly magnificent first date.

Step number one; make an attempt at being romantic. Girls liked romantic, right? He really didn't think he could go wrong here. Romantic was roses and candles and soft music, wasn't it? So all he had to do was make a reservation at the nicest place in town.

Thirty minutes later, Kurt had realized that he couldn't afford the nicest place in town ever in his lifetime, he couldn't afford a bouquet of roses, and he was pretty sure that the gas tank in his car was nearly empty.

Still determined to make this night right, he drove to the gas station and put in ten dollars of gas, bought two roses, and then went home and borrowed some cologne from Bobby. After spraying said cologne and gagging on the rank stench, Kurt took a long shower with Jean's shampoo to get the smell out of his fur. When he was finished, he stepped out smelling like a fresh summer peach.

After realizing that he smelled like a fresh summer peach and not very manly at all, Kurt reached for Scott's cologne and sprayed it on himself. Then when he noticed that he hadn't sprayed on Scott's cologne at all and had just put on more of Bobby's, Kurt made a terrible gagging sound that closely resembled a cat coughing up a hairball before getting back in the shower and scrubbing himself silly.

An hour later, Kurt stood outside of Kitty's bedroom door, smelling like a fresh summer peach, wearing a wrinkly shirt (because he had _just noticed_ that everything he owned was dirty or smelly or wrinkly or all three), and holding two slightly mashed roses that he had accidently sat on. But Kurt was determined. Tonight was the night! Tonight was the night that he and Kitty…

Kurt's thoughts trailed off when he suddenly noticed his own reflection in the window next to him. He had never seen anyone or any_thing_ look so _repulsive_! It was no wonder that Kitty hadn't bothered to date him before today when he had practically FORCED HER!

In reality, 'forced her' was pushing it a bit, but Kurt's mind at that point was beyond reality. He was a hideous and terrible beast and he couldn't believe he was about to do what he was about to do. He had to run away. Really far away, like to Mexico or something. Kitty would be fine without him. She would probably find some rich, suave, not blue furry mutant guy to take her out on a date and she would marry him and have a bunch of little handsome suave, baby boys.

Yep, that sounded like a good plan to him. Kurt had just worked up the nerve to turn and run away like a chicken with its head cut off when Kitty's door suddenly swung open.

And there she was. Looking like a Pepto Bismol _goddess_ in her pink dress and smelling like a rose garden. He was so stunned by her initial appearance that he forgot all about running away. His brain turned to a blue mush when she was looking like that and looking at him like she was right now.

"Hey Kurt!" She beamed.

"Kitty!" He wasn't sure that his face had ever been this red before. Or that his hands had ever shook so much. Silently he wondered what the crap was wrong with him. "I got you-I mean you look…I mean I got these for you." He ended lamely, holding up the crushed flowers.

"Awww!" She took the flowers and smelled them lovingly. "Thanks. That was like, totally sweet of you."

Their eyes met. Feelings they had been holding in sparked between them. Teenage hormones roared. Somewhere in the distance some really sappy love music played as the two teens melted into each other's gaze.

In two seconds flat they were on each other, lost in a frenzy of hot kisses, wrestling tongues, wandering hands and a lot of other gross—er, romantic stuff.

"Oh my goodness!"

Kitty and Kurt ripped apart in the blink of an eye. Both sported red mouths and tousled hair, but wore identical expressions of innocence and alarm.

Professor X just looked embarrassed. Seriously, he couldn't remember the last time he had been able to go down his own hallway without seeing any of the teenagers making out. Jean and Scott, Remy and Rogue (and he wasn't sure how that was even possible), Bobby and his own arm and now Kitty and Kurt. It was all very embarrassing.

"I'll just be on my way then…" The older man tried not look at either of their faces. Especially since Kurt's was covered in pink lipstick. As he rolled away, he briefly wondered if they thought he really couldn't hear their lips smacking again. But he didn't think he would interrupt them now to let them know.

There was no point in ruining the moment and to be honest with himself, he didn't think he had ever seen Kurt look so happy.


End file.
